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early stirrings, innocence & Denial

Posted: 1 month ago - Jul 03, 2022

I never really thought about sex, I knew animals did it and how they did but never thought much about humans. it was not talked about. I was interested in what the other lads looked like in the showers but that was about it. As I neared 18 I decided i could not face the thought of university and it was suggested that I went to work at the Royal society of horticulture's gardens near London, a six hour bus ride away from home, as a student gardener. We lived in a YMCA hostel 2 to a room. loved to sneak peaks at my room mate. but again just curiosity? after 1 year at the RHS I decided on Horticultural college and in my middle "working year" found myself back down on a big market garden just outside of London. I used to go and wander round London, go by bus. often if the bus was late a car would stop and offer me a lift, I always accepted. we would chat about different things again I wonder if there was an ulterior motive but I never picked up on the vibes if there were any, In those days I was a 26/28 inch waist and as skinny as hell blond haired with dark eyebrows and naturally long lashes, must have appealed to some one! I remember sitting on the bus one day when a young couple, late teens got on. I can picture the guy even now, long dirty blond hair, the rips in his jeans etc couldn't tell you what the girl was like. I had a good friend at the RHS who was single, some weekends I would stay over, always longed that he would take his pants off but never did, he later started dating and married. I should have known then that I wasn't on the expected route but I knew no one who was gay, knew very little about it, never wondered if any of the single men in the village were and definitely never talked about it especially at home. At school I think the closest we got were silly things like Gerald Fitz Patrick and Patrick Fitz Gerald the reversible bum chums. I finished my 3 years at college never having kissed anybody, girl boy parents or relatives, never hugged any one. It was like a sterile world. I took a job in Yorkshire and became friendly with a young lady , we went out a few nights but there was nothing there at all. I went to the local night club, -on my own- well that was a mistake. I invited a guy to dinner one night, someone who was single and i knew, I did rack of lamb, we ate , we talked a bit he left damn l so wanted a man, but how? Still never thought myself as gay. People were starting to ask if there was a young lady any where, the pressure was on. my boss gave a harvest supper to all staff and their partners. I asked if I should take some one and was told yes, Helllp!! I asked one of the casual work women if her daughter would go with me surprisingly she said yes, only for the boss say no I could go alone with the secretary who was also single so I took the daughter out a week later as compensation, we hit it off fine and she ended up dumping her boyfriend for me. Things moved quickly we got engaged and married . Both sets of parents were happy. The first time we had sex I faked an orgasm. the sex did get better we had two sons together. Still I knew no one gay, aids had hot, the only stuff I picked up on were in the public toilets, graffiti on the walls. I had an excuse to go in because often the boys needed to pee surprising how long it takes them to pee when out.

I started to fantasise more what a man would be like, it gave me jack off fuel. I ended up buying some bi mags and telling the wife I had found them. We looked at them together.

One day I stopped off in an isolated cottage (public restroom) and got picked up by an older ginger guy who took me home. I was on cloud 9.

He worked nights and I used to drop round on my dinner break, let myself in and find him in bed. That was the start! I was just 35.

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